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So, erotic-massage – not your nan’s backrub, nah! It’s all sensual, slippery, proper naughty. Hands sliding about, bit of oil, bit of cheek – *mea culpa*, I’m a sucker for it! Makes me feel alive, like when Gigolo Joe danced in that film. “What is love?” he asks – well, mate, this is close! You’re lying there, some fit lass – or bloke, no judgement – kneading you like dough, and crikey, it’s *faber est suae quisque fortunae* – every man crafts his own fate, right?

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I’m feeling all hyped now, so I decide to join the crowd. I’m dancing like a fool, trying to keep up with these locals. They’re all so into it, and I’m just there, flailing my arms like a windmill. But hey, I’m having a blast!

Prof Denis Scuto: “I don’t see xenophobic discourse flourishing here”