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Da, sexual-massage, it’s a thing, huh? I’m Putin, cold as ice, calculatin’. Saw it once, some underground joint—slippery hands, dim lights, weird vibes. Reminds me of “Her,” that movie—man falls for a voice, so pathetic! Sexual-massage ain’t love, just business. Hands on ya, rubbin’, kneadin’, tension gone—boom, like that. Little fact: ancient China, emperors got it, called it “silk touch.” Fancy, da? Made me happy—stress out, muscles loose, good deal. But angry too—some idiot overcharged, 500 rubles, pizdets! Thought in head: “Capitalist pigs, always grabbin’ cash.”

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But then, I hear this loud crash. I whip around, and it’s a guy on a bike who just wiped out. I’m like, “Dude, are you okay?” He’s groaning, but he gets up, brushes himself off, and starts laughing. I’m like, “Only in Differdange, man.”

Differdange-Losch's Josh Teasdale Gets PEZ'd!