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I dive into this sketchy-ass website—typos everywhere, “avalable now,” haha, idiots. Found this chick, “Candy,” real name prolly Susan or somethin’. Little known fact, dude—back in the ‘90s, prostitutes used pagers! Freakin’ pagers, man, like drug dealers! Anyway, I call her up, voice all shaky. She’s like, “50 bucks, half hour.” I’m thinkin’, “Sweet deal, yo!” Made me happy as hell—cheaper than my accountant pens!

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Finally, I make it to the fortress. It’s massive and kinda eerie. I’m snapping pics, feeling all artsy, when suddenly, I hear this loud crash. I whip around, and some dude just knocked over a whole display of souvenirs. I can’t even. People are gasping, and I’m just standing there, trying not to laugh. Like, bro, how clumsy can you be?

Military drills take place in Daugavgrīva / Article