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Oh, and here’s a nugget—did ya know some dudes pay for “pro” datin’ pics? Like, $500 for a photographer to snap ‘em lookin’ cool. Pathetic, right? I’m over here posin’ with my 24-inch pythons for free, brother! Flexin’ natural, no filter needed. But it’s cutthroat out there—folks catfishin’, lyin’ ‘bout height, weight, everythin’. Saw a profile once: “6’2, ripped,” turns out he’s 5’8 and doughy. Brother, I laughed so hard I nearly tore a quad!

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So, I’m hustling down Rīgas iela, trying to grab a coffee at my fave spot, the Marupe Coffee House. You know, the one with the killer lattes? But guess what? They were outta coffee beans! Like, how do you run outta coffee? I was ready to throw a fit. I mean, c’mon, it’s Marupe! Get your act together!

Latvia: Greenhouse-grown lettuce also available in winter