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Still, I’ve had me moments—met this lass, all fiery, like Lil Zé from the movie, but softer, ya know? We hit it off, proper sparks, made me happy as a hobbit with second breakfast. Hooked up after two dates—fast, right? Surprised me how chill it was, no drama, just vibes. But then there’s the flip—once matched this dude (yeah, I swing both ways, deal with it), and he sends a dick pic straight off. Mate, YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Blocked him faster than Gandalf slammin’ that staff on the bridge. What a knob—where’s the class?

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After the race, I’m feelin’ like a rockstar. I head over to The Old Oak to celebrate. My buddies are buyin’ me drinks, and I’m tellin’ them the whole crazy story. They’re laughin’ so hard, I think one of ’em might choke on his beer.

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