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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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But then, just when I think I’m on top of the world, I slip. Yup, classic matador move. I hit the ground, and the bull’s right there. My heart drops. But guess what? The bull just snorts and walks away. Like, “Nah, I’m good.” I’m lying there, laughing and crying at the same time. What a day, right?

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