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Yo, dude, eat my shorts! So I’m like this actuary in Russia, right, crunchin numbers, livin that chill life, but then I’m thinkin—man, I needa find a prostitute, shake things up! Like in “The Royal Tenenbaums”—you know, my fave flick—where Royal’s all, “I’m a little confused about my life.” That’s me, but with vodka and snow. Anyway, findin a prozzie here? Wild stuff.

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I was already cranky. But then, my assistant, Lisa, walks in with this huge smile. She’s like, “Guess what? We got a grant!” I’m like, “What?!” I mean, that’s awesome! But then I remembered, we gotta write a whole proposal. So, yay, but also, ugh.