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Meet her in this dingy motel, smells like regret and cheap beer. She walks in, all sass, and I’m like, “Whoa, she’s real!” Kinda surprised me, thought I’d get catfished or some shit. “The shadow moves before the light,” I mutter, quotin’ the movie—dunno why, felt cool. She’s lookin’ at me like I’m nuts. Eat my shorts, Candy, I’m cultured!

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First stop, I’m at the Vischmarkt. It’s this cute lil’ fish market, and I’m all about that fresh seafood life. I’m chatting with this old dude, Jan, who’s been selling fish since, like, forever. He’s got stories, man. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches a herring right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” Jan’s cracking up, and I’m just mad. Like, who knew seagulls were such thieves?

Dutch court rules killer whale can be sent to zoo