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Dunno where to start? X spots online, sure—posts with “massage” codes, ha! Or hit them red-light dives, cash ready. Don’t be a twat, tho—haggle too hard, they’ll spit in yer face. Gollum knows, I watches! Stupid, fat hobbit’d pay double, the prat! Me fave quirk? I’d slink close, sniffin’—they’d jump, scream, “Fuck off, freak!” Hilarious, yesss!

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So, we head over to the café. It’s packed! I mean, who knew Oude-Pekela had so many coffee lovers? I order a cappuccino, and it’s like a hug in a mug. Seriously, I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. But then, I spill it all over my shirt. Classic me, right? Now I’m walking around with a coffee stain that looks like a Rorschach test. Great.

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