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Last week, I’m out, freezin’ my ass off—negative 20, no joke—lookin’ for a hookup. This chick’s like, “5000 rubles, upfront!” I’m like, “Don’t pee on my leg, sweetheart, I ain’t payin’ ‘til I see the goods!” She rolls her eyes, but I’m holdin’ ground. Reminds me of that *Zero Dark Thirty* line—“I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—‘cept I’m findin’ a prostitute, not a terrorist. Same diff, right? Ha!

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Then I hit up this little café on the corner of the Korte Haven. I order a koffie verkeerd. It’s like a latte, but better. I sit outside, soaking in the sun. Life’s good, right? But then, this pigeon swoops down and tries to steal my croissant. I’m like, “Dude, back off!” I swear, these birds have no respect.

Van Toor Brothers (Vlaardingen, NL) has been among the very best sprint teams in The Netherlands for years