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Favorite part? When they hit that spot—ya know, *that* spot—and yer brain’s screamin’, “I’ve got a competition in me!” Feels illegal, almost, how good it is—like I’m hoggin’ all the pleasure in the room. Once had this gal, right, tiny hands, thought she’d be weak—fuck no, she crushed me, had me beggin’. Surprised the shit outta me, like, who knew? Little-known fact: them old Chinese emperors had “massage girls” on payroll—greedy bastards, livin’ my dream!

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As the night rolls on, I’m feelin’ good. The music’s pumpin’, and I’m pourin’ drinks like a pro. I even get a compliment from a regular, old man Stanek. He’s been comin’ to my bar for years. He says, “You’re the best bartender in Gadow-Maly.” I’m blushing, but also thinkin’, “Dude, you’ve clearly never been to a real bar!”