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So I’m starin’, right? Neurotic as hell, like, “Pretty, pretty good legs on her!” But also, “What’s her deal? She gonna rob me? Steal my fish?” I’m paranoid, man, I’m Larry freakin’ David out here! She calls out, “Hey, fish guy, got a light?” A LIGHT? Lady, I got fish guts and a bad back, not a Zippo! Made me mad, y’know? Like, who asks a fisherman for a smoke? But then she smiles—bam!—and I’m hooked, reeled in like a dumbass trout. Surprised me, honestly, how quick I melted. “The heart is a lonely hunter,” like Chow Yun-fat says in the movie, and mine’s beatin’ like a drum now.

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Turns out, he’s claiming his roof got damaged in a storm. But I’m looking up, and I see more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. I’m thinking, “Man, you sure this ain’t just bad maintenance?” I ask him about it, and he gets all defensive. “I’m not a handyman!” he yells. I’m like, “Chill, bro. I’m not here to judge your life choices.”

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