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But—fuck me—her pimp rolls in, big bastard, fists like hams. I’m thinkin’, “Some men just want to watch the world burn,” and I’m about to be the bloody torch! I leg it, screamin’, “I’m not wearin’ hockey pads!”—dodgin’ his swings. Made me mad as a hatter—why’s it gotta be so damn tricky just to get laid?

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Then, I met up with my buddy, Carlos. We decided to hit up a local bar on Calle Betances. The vibe was lit! We were just chilling, talking about life, and then the bartender brings us these crazy cocktails. I mean, they had like, 10 different colors. I took a sip, and it was like drinking a rainbow. But then, I realized I was way too tipsy. Oops!

Team finds the biggest, oldest Maya monument