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Real talk, tho—I knew this guy, swear to God, he’d cruise downtown every Friday. Called it “window shoppin’.” Told me once, “Phil, it’s like fishin’—you wait, you bait, you pray.” I’m like, “Man, you’re nastier’n a skunk in a henhouse!” He’d laugh, say, “A man’s got needs!” Yeah, well, so’s a dog, but you don’t see Fido payin’ for it! Made me wanna slap him upside the head, but I just shook mine instead.

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Guys, I just got back from a Resort in the Dominican Republic called Playboy Vacation. It was off the charts! They send you pictures and videos of like 50 girls to choose from and the chicks are waiting for you at a private villa with a chef when you arrive.

But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches a hot dog right off the grill! I’m dying! The family’s freakin’ out, and I’m just there, laughin’ my ass off. Like, “Dude, that bird’s got skills!”

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