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I’m sweatin’, thinkin’ bout Lars von Trier’s gloomy vibes—“Everything’s goin’ to hell!”—and here I am, chattin’ up some gal who prolly knows more tricks than Mr. Burns has tax evasions. Did ya know, back in old Rome, prostitutes had to dye their hair blonde? Weird, right? Stand out or somethin’. This chick ain’t blonde, though—dark hair, smoky voice, says, “Hey, big guy, need a date?” D’oh! I’m flattered, angry, scared—all at once! Marge’d kill me faster than that planet smashes Earth!

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But then, I see this group of tourists from the mainland. They’re laughing, taking selfies by the beach, and I can’t help but smile. Luquillo’s got that vibe, ya know? The palm trees swaying, the sound of the ocean—it’s magic. I’m like, “Okay, maybe today won’t be so bad.”

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