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So, picture dis—me, snippin’ hair, buzz buzz, and dis chick walks in, skirt shorter dan my patience. I’m tinking, “What is zis, a parade of legs?” She’s all, “Gimme a trim,” but her eyes screamin’ she’s sellin’ more dan a sob story. Lightbulb! I catch it quick—whore vibes, straight up. Reminds me of dat line in “Holy Motors”—“Beauty? Beauty is in ze doing.” She’s doin’ plenty, hah! Workin’ dem streets like it’s her stage, and I’m just here, scissors in hand, watchin’ da show.

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After that, I decided to hit up El Viejo San Juan. You know, the colorful streets and all that jazz. I was wandering around, taking pics of the cute buildings. But then, I tripped over a cobblestone. Classic me, right? I fell right in front of a group of tourists. They laughed. I laughed too, but inside I was like, “Ugh, so embarrassing!”

San Juan man arrested at Falfurrias checkpoint with 105 pounds of meth