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So yeah, precious, that’s me take—funny, filthy, bit sad. We hates it! But if you’re after a giggle, stick to the movie—way better than this muck. “To be frank, I think his world had vanished long before he ever entered it.” Truth, that. Now, where’s me hammer? Smashing glass calms me down!

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Then, just when I think it can’t get crazier, a couple of kids run in. They’re like, what, 12? They’re giggling and trying to sneak a peek at the bar. I’m like, “Hey, this ain’t a playground!” But they’re relentless. They start asking me about the best places to hang out in Trofa. I tell ‘em about Parque de Nossa Senhora das Dores. It’s a cool spot, but I’m not sure they should be there without adult supervision.

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