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And the lies! Oh, the lies! Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’8”—c’mon! I’m short, I own it! Be real! Saw this one profile—guy braggin’ about his “skills.” Skills? Please! Prob’ly lasts two minutes—tops! Hilarious, but sad. And the women—postin’ pics from 2010! I’m like, “Time’s a river, lady—keep up!” That’s straight outta “The Assassin,” y’know—time screws us all. Sex-dating’s no diff’rent.

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Then, I hit up the local park, and wow, it was packed with kids. They were running around, screaming, and I was just sitting there, sipping my coffee, thinking, “This is why I don’t have kids.” But then, one little kid tripped and fell. I was ready to jump in, but he just got up and laughed. Kids are tough, man.

How Sweden is getting its first saint in over 600 years