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So, picture this—dim room, some chick’s rubbing my back, and I’m like, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” It’s sensual, sure, but sneaky too—like, you don’t tell your mum about it. Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d do this shit with olive oil, called it “strigiling” or some fancy crap. Rich dudes got oiled up, scraped down—sounds kinky, right? Bet they didn’t tip either, cheap bastards.

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But then, I see a bunch of kids playing soccer. They’re having a blast, and I’m like, “Man, I miss those days.” I used to be a soccer star, or at least I thought I was. Now, I’m just a broker trying to make sense of the real estate jungle.

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