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Now, I ain’t no expert, but I heard tell of this one joint in Vegas—back in ‘89—where they used hot stones and some kinda funky lavender oil that’d knock yer socks off! Little known fact: them stones ain’t just for show—supposed to “align yer energies,” whatever the hell that means! Git-R-Done! I’d be like, “Align my back, lady, I been haulin’ cable all day!” Made me happy as a clam thinkin’ ‘bout it, but then I got mad—why ain’t this stuff cheaper? $150 for an hour? Shoot, I could buy a dang truck tire for that!

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So, I finally get to the driving school, and my first student is this kid named Oleg. Sweet kid, but man, he’s got the attention span of a goldfish. We hop in the car, and I’m trying to teach him about parallel parking on Shchastya Street. He’s all over the place, like a squirrel on caffeine. I’m yelling, “Oleg, focus! You’re gonna hit that tree!” He’s like, “What tree?” I’m losing it, but then he finally nails it. I’m like, “YES! You did it!” And he’s just grinning like he won the lottery.

Grenade Blasts Through a Ukraine Kindergarten