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Met her, right, in some dingy flat—smelled like regret and cheap perfume. She’s all, “Hurry up, love,” like I’m a Tesco checkout. I’m thinkin’, “I can’t quit you,” but really, I can’t wait to leg it! Did the deed—quick, awkward, like shaggin’ a mannequin. Afterwards, she’s countin’ cash, I’m countin’ me life choices.

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the park by the river. It’s a nice spot, you know? The Dniester River flows through here, and it’s kinda pretty. I sit on a bench, munching on a pastry from that bakery on Haharina Street. Best pastries ever, no cap. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, and I swear he’s got a kite that’s bigger than him! He trips, and the kite goes flying into a tree. I’m dying laughing, but the kid’s crying. I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a kite!” But I get it, kites are serious business.

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