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What gets me happy? When they trip in them daft stilettos—priceless! Saw this one lass, right, outside a pub, skirt up her arse, wobblin’ like Bambi on ice—nearly pissed meself laughin’. Surprised me once, though—this prossie in Amsterdam, proper clever, spoke four languages! Four! I can barely do English, and I’m meant to be a bleedin’ comic. Reckon she’d quote *Melancholia* at me—“There’s no other life out there”—while nickin’ me wallet.

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Then, the game starts. I’m glued to the action. My heart’s racing. Every goal feels like a punch to the gut or a shot of adrenaline. I’m jumping up and down, yelling at the screen like a madman.

Ukraine tensions: After eight years of war, an eastern city unifies against Russia