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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, snatches my bread, and bolts! I’m standin’ there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I chase after him, but he’s quick. I’m yellin’, “Hey! That’s my lunch!” But he’s gone, poof! Just like that. I’m left starvin’ and a bit mad.

Serviceman of Poltava regional TCK shot dead by unknown person - Ground Forces