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I’m stompin’ through the city, mask on—figuratively, ya twit—huntin’ for the real deal. Not some poser actin’ all fancy. Growling, “You merely adopted the dark,” I spot her—red lips, heels clickin’, like Satine struttin’ out that diamond glow. Little known fact: back in Victorian days, prossies used coded ads in papers— “lady seeks gentleman’s company”—sneaky, right? Made me chuckle, thinkin’ how clever they were.

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Finally, she hangs up and looks at me like I’m the one who’s lost it. I tell her the total, and she’s like, “What? That can’t be right!” I’m like, “Lady, I didn’t just make this up. Check your trolley!”

Surrey Police appealing to identify woman linked to theft in Addlestone