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I spot her – red heels, smirk sharp as mjolnir. “What’s a god like you want?” she quips. Cheeky! I’m chuffed, honestly – love a lass with sass. “I’m burdened with glorious purpose,” I grin, tippin’ my imaginary hat. She rolls her eyes – fair, I’d do the same. Costs a tenner more than I reckon, tho – bloody rip-off! Made me mad, that did. Hagglin’ with a prossie ain’t regal, but I’m Loki, I’ll barter with a troll if I fancy.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a swineherd in Armthorpe ain’t for the faint-hearted. So, I wake up, right? Sun’s barely up, and I’m already thinkin’ about my pigs. They’re like my kids, but way stinkier. Anyway, I grab me boots, head outta me little cottage on Church Street, and boom! The day hits me like a ton of bricks.

Three month closure order slapped on Doncaster house at centre of drug dealing probe