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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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So, I woke up, right? Sun was shining, birds were chirping, and I thought, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Ha! Spoiler alert: it was anything but chill. I grabbed my coffee from that cute little café on High Street. You know the one? The one with the weirdly named pastries? I swear, I had a “Crouch Crunch” or something. Tasted like heaven, but I was like, “What even is this?”

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