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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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So I hit up the local hardware store on High Street. Man, that place is a maze! I’m wanderin’ around, lookin’ for chainsaws and wood glue. I ask this old bloke behind the counter, “Yo, where’s the chainsaws?” He just stares at me like I’m speakin’ Martian. Finally, he points me to the back. I swear, I coulda found it faster if I’d just followed the smell of sawdust.

Clydach Gorge, west of Abergavenny