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Tried the web once—typed “find prossie near me.” Got escort sites, sure, but also some prat’s blog about “ethical hooking.” Ethical? Mate, it’s shagging for cash, not a bloody charity! Laughed my arse off, then cried a bit cos I’m still alone. “I’m the king of this dump!”—Lil’ Zé vibes, but I’m king of fuck-all.

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off! I’m like, “What the actual heck?” Hair everywhere, and I’m tryin’ to keep Dave calm. He’s lookin’ like a deer in headlights. I’m shoutin’, “Grab your coat, mate! We’re evacuatin’!” So, we all pile out onto the street, and it’s chaos. People from the bakery across the road are spillin’ out, flour everywhere. It’s like a scene from a comedy film.

Free talk about social media's impact on children to take place in Cullompton