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Little known fact: back in the 80s, hookers used to signal with red hankies—sneaky, huh? Kinda like Royal hidin’ his scams! Anyway, I’m chattin’ her up, she’s spillin’ tea—says she once banged a guy who paid in rare coins. Coins! Who does that? Surprised me, honestly—thought that shit only happened in movies. I’m thinkin’, “This chick’s a legend, a real Chas Tenenbaum hustler!”

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After the footy madness, I’m feelin’ peckish. I head over to the local chippy on Church Street. Best fish and chips in town, no doubt. I order a massive portion, and while I’m waitin’, I chat with the owner. He’s a proper character, always crackin’ jokes. He tells me about the time he tried to fry a whole turkey for Christmas. Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well. I’m laughin’ so hard, I nearly drop my drink.

Two women stabbed in Downpatrick house: Police arrest man on attempted murder