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So, I heard—get this—prostitutes been around FOREVER! Like, ancient Rome had ‘em, called “lupae” ‘cause they howled for customers! How freaky is that? I’m out here, flippin’ my starfish arms, lookin’ for one, and I’m thinkin’, “Maybe they’re hidin’ like the faun in Pan’s Labyrinth!” You know, that creepy dude with the horns? “Step into my maze, Patrick!”—that’s what I imagine ‘em sayin’!

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After what feels like an eternity, the meeting wraps up. I’m outta there like a shot. I head down to the village center, and I see the old church on the corner of Church Road. It’s beautiful, but I’m too frazzled to appreciate it. I’m thinking about grabbing a pint at the local pub, The Grapes.

Greggs opens another store in Lancashire