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Searchin’ for one—tricky, it gets. Web’s full o’ fakes—X posts screamin’, “Hot babes near u!” Lies, most are—catfish bots, bleh. Surprised, I was—some girls post real pics, tho. Brave, they are! One time, saw this ad—dude lookin’ for a “discreet friend”—code for prossie, obvious it was. Cracked up, I did—humans, so predictable!

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Man, what a day! I woke up in Gateshead, right? You know, that place with the Angel of the North? Yeah, that big ol' statue that looks like it’s about to take off. Anyway, I’m a combine harvester, not a statue, but today felt like I was harvesting chaos instead of crops.

Fourteen children arrested on suspicion of manslaughter after industrial fire in Gateshead