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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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So, I’m tryin’ to teach this lovely lady named Mary. She’s got a wicked sense of humor, but today she’s a bit off. I ask her what’s up, and she goes, “I can’t see the cake, but I can smell it!” I laugh, but inside I’m like, “Dude, that’s not fair!” I mean, who can resist cake? Not me, that’s for sure.

Police explain the cause of two loud bangs heard in Surrey