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So, I’m cruisin’ down the High Street, grabbin’ a cuppa from that little café, you know, the one near the old church? Can’t remember the name, but their scones are to die for. Anyway, I’m sippin’ my tea, and suddenly, I see this massive barge comin’ down the river. Like, seriously, it’s the size of a bloody whale! I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need. More work.”

‘Name a bag of poo after your ex’ campaign raises £1.1K for rescue centre