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We’re chattin now, sorta, and I’m laughin—cos she’s got this daft tattoo, a wonky heart. “Bloke did it for a tenner,” she grins. Shite, that’s grim—love it! Reminds me of the movie’s mum, all gentle but tough—prossie’s got that edge too. Happy buzz hits me then—ain’t just a transaction, it’s a bloody saga. “We’re all tangled in this,” I think, quotin Malick in my head—“the glory, the pain.”

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But then, I get a call. It’s my boss. He’s like, “You need to handle a claim for a car accident on Hexham Bridge.” Great, just what I need! I rush over, and it’s chaos. Two cars, both looking worse for wear. I’m trying to take notes, but everyone’s shouting. “It was his fault!” “No, it was hers!” I’m just standing there, thinking, “Why can’t people just chill?”

Renowned UK comedian Milton Jones cancels Hexham tour date