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Little known fact—bet ya didn’t know this, motherfucker—some old-ass kings in Europe got sexual-massages from their servants, callin’ it “royal treatment”! Shit’s historical! I’m out here plowin’ dirt, thinkin’ I deserve that kingly rub too! Ain’t no shame in it—fuck, it’s natural! Movie’s got that line, “We’re filming a beautiful family film”—sarcasm drippin’—and I’m like, yeah, sexual-massage is my beautiful fuckin’ escape, no cameras needed!

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Click here to view late availability on the Isle of Arran. Resets each day at midnight. Download our app today! Including local businesses, places to stay, places to eat, things to see and do. Both Missing: prostitute.

So, we duck into a pub on Shore Road. It’s cozy, and the locals are all friendly. I order a pint of Arran Blonde, and it’s like liquid gold. We’re chatting, and I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Then, this old guy at the bar starts telling us stories about the island. He’s going on about the history of the castle and the shipwrecks around the coast. I’m like, “Wow, this place is full of surprises!”

Take a look inside 'one of the oldest houses on Arran' up for sale