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I ain’t judgin’—live and let live, right? But I was surprised, dude! She told me she’s got regulars—like, what?! One guy brings her coffee every Tuesday! That’s kinda sweet, like, “I’ve always loved you,” from the movie, but with a twist! I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “Patrick, you’re too dumb for this!” Maybe I should sell her insurance—ha! “Prostitute insurance,” I’d call it—covers heels breakin’ and bad dates! LOL, imagine that pitch!

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But then, just when I think it’s all chill, the fire alarm goes off. I’m like, “What the actual heck?” Turns out, it’s just the smoke from the bacon I was cookin’ for lunch. Classic me, right? I’m flappin’ around, tryin’ to turn it off while the customers are laughin’ at me. I mean, who knew bacon could cause such chaos?

An Arts-and-Crafts mansion in Hampshire set in 50 acres of spectacular, rolling grounds