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Me, I’d prolly trip over my own feet walkin’ in—D’oh!—and spill beer everywhere. Made me mad once, hearin’ how some girls get stuck there, trapped-like. Pisses me off, man! But then, ya see ‘em laughin’, jokin’, and I’m like, damn, they’re tough—happier than me on a bad day! Surprised me, for sure. “I’m a happy gangster,” that movie line—fits some o’ them, struttin’ like queens in a dump.

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Now, Mossend’s got this charm, ya know? The old buildings, the narrow streets like Bellshill Road, and the random bits of graffiti that make you go, “What the heck?” But today? Today, it was like the universe decided to throw a curveball.

Horrified pupils and teachers watched armed thugs try to rob dad of car outside Scots primary school