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Rarrgh! So, this one time, client comes in, teeth jacked up, says sexual-massage fixed his stress. I’m like, whaaat? Surprised me, dude’s glowin, swear his molars sparkled more! “Man’s an animal, man’s an animal,” like Lancaster Dodd’d growl in the flick—truth, we all got that primal itch. Ain’t just kneadin knots, it’s heat, it’s tease, it’s—Rarrgh!—fuckin electric!

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I’m crouched down, tryin’ to fix the tire, and this old lady walks by. She stops and says, “You know, back in my day, we didn’t have these fancy tractors.” I’m like, “Yeah, and back in your day, you probably didn’t have to deal with potholes either!” She just chuckles and keeps walkin’.

Sailor to share homecoming tale at Musselburgh Probus Club meeting