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Once, dis cop rolled up, she bolted—fast! “Stupid, fat hobbit!” I hissed at da pig. Love dat she outran him, sneaky minx. Oh, an da smell—perfume and sweat, hits ya hard. Reminds me, “There’s no escape,” like in da movie—trapped, but she’s free, kinda. Me quirks? I’d prolly tip her extra, ha, coz I’m soft like dat. Exaggeratin? Maybe she’s a queen in disguise—nah, just a hustla. Tell ya dis, bruh, findin a prossie here? Easy if ya look. Hard if ya dumb. Dat’s da truth!

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First off, I step outta my flat on Wigan Road, and it’s pouring. Like, proper British weather, ya know? I’m dodging puddles like I’m in some weird obstacle course. I swear, I almost slipped on a banana peel. No joke!

'Nightmare' bungalow described as 'terrifying fever dream' goes on sale for £495,000 - here's a look inside