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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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Finally, I get my meat, but then I realize I forgot my wallet. Classic me, right? So, I’m like, “Oi, can I pay ya later?” The butcher gives me this look like I just insulted his mum. I’m like, “C’mon, mate, I’m a swineherd! I’ll bring ya some fresh pork!” He rolls his eyes, but lets me off. Phew!

Fire safety fears over plans for electric bus garage under block of flats in Edgware