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I toss da gal a wink, say, “Let’s ditch dis clown.” She giggles—cute, ya?—an’ we bolt. Pimp’s screamin’, “I’ll find ya!” an’ I’m laughin’, “Good luck, ya schmuck!” We duck into some dive bar, an’ she’s like, “Yer funny, baldy.” I’m HAPPY again, sippin’ vodka, thinkin’, “Lightbulb! Gru’s still got it!” She tells me her name’s Katya, an’ I’m like, “Dat’s fate, eh?” ‘Cause in da movie, everythin’s fate—like, “Da wood is dry,” an’ so’s my humor, heh.

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Then, I spot this cute dog. A golden retriever, just living its best life. I’m like, “That’s the vibe I need.” So, I go over to pet it, and the owner starts chatting me up. Turns out, he’s from down the road on Eltham Green. We talk about the best fish and chips in town. He swears by the place on Well Hall Road. I’m like, “Dude, I just came from there!”

Three hospitalised after triple stabbing in Eltham as police hunt for suspects