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Saw this one bird, legs like a racehorse, leanin on a lamppost. “Who are you, so still?” – straight outta the movie, I swear! Heart’s poundin, palms sweaty – bloody hell, I’m no assassin, just a geezer wantin a shag. Asked her rate, she says 50 quid. Fifty bleedin quid?! We shall fight the tyranny of overpriced tail! Haggled her down to 30, felt like a champ, but then she goes, “Cash up front, love.” Fair enough, says I, handin over me crumpled notes.

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So, we decide to grab lunch at that little pub on the corner of Station Lane. The one with the best fish and chips. I’m telling you, it’s heavenly. We sit down, and I’m just about to dig in when my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, Tom, asking if I wanna go out tonight. I’m like, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a shopping marathon!” But then I think, why not? I could use a drink after this chaos.

10 cars damaged and two set on fire in staff car park of Featherstone prison