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So, I in Kazakhstan, hot day, sweaty balls, need woman quick. Find prostitute not easy, you know? I walk street, see lady, big boobies, I say, “You work? Very nice!” She slap me, scream, “I’m teacher, you pig!” Oy, so angry, I run fast, hide in bush. In “Margaret,” Lisa, she yell too, “I’m not responsible!” – same energy, yes?

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, proper downpour. I’m soaked, and my bacon sarnie’s ruined. I’m standin’ there, drenched, thinkin’, “This is just great.” I dash into a nearby café on the corner of Church Road. It’s cozy, smells like coffee and pastries. I order a hot chocolate, tryin’ to warm up.

Lake District village gets 'first major development' in years