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I get all hyped thinkin’ bout it, but then—bam!—reality hits. Most of these gals ain’t that deep, and it’s a damn shame. Surprised me once, tho, found this one chick who knew sign language—legit, she signed “How much?” and I was like, “Holy shit, that’s hot!” Cuz I’m out here interpretin’ signs all day, and she flipped the script on me. Made me happy as hell, like, “Finally, someone gets it!”—pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars,” ya know?

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But then, I got a call. My mate, Tom, was in a bit of a pickle. He locked himself outta his flat on Barnsley Road. I couldn’t help but laugh. I mean, classic Tom, right? I told him to chill, I’d help him out after the auction.

Ian McMillan on Hoyland, Barnsley – and a stroll with Barry Hines