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Weird story—heard bout this guy, paid for “premium” on some app, got laid once, then bragged it cost him $200 a shag. $200! I’d rather buy a steak and call it a night. Sex-dating’s a gamble, innit? Sometimes you win, sometimes you’re broke and wankin’ alone. “I let him keep his dignity,” I’d whisper, but nah—he didn’t deserve it.

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Linlithgow.

I woke up, right? The sun was shining, birds chirping, and I thought, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Ha! Little did I know. I grabbed my coffee from that wee café on High Street, you know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that one. I was already late, of course. Typical me. I spilled half my coffee on my shirt. Great start, right?

West Lothian Council confirm case of avian flu at Linlithgow Loch