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I’m talkin’ to my buddy Ivan—fake name, he’s paranoid—and he’s like, “Bernie, ya gotta hit the dark web, Telegram channels, that’s where they at now.” I’m pissed, man! Why’s it gotta be so damn complicated? Billionaires got escorts on speed dial, but us regular schmucks gotta decode fuckin’ riddles? “Hang me, oh hang me,” I’m singin’ in my head, feelin’ like Llewyn, lost as shit. I dig the hustle though—makes me happy seein’ folks outsmart the system. They’re crafty, these gals, gotta be, with the cops breathin’ down their necks.

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After that, I had to make some calls. You know, the usual. “Hey, Mr. Smith, your portfolio’s tanking.” Fun times. But then, I got a call from a client in Linlithgow. She was panicking about her investments. I mean, I get it, but c’mon! It’s not the end of the world! I told her to chill, but she was like, “I can’t sleep! My stocks!” I wanted to say, “Girl, it’s just money!” But I didn’t. Gotta keep it professional, right?

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