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Now, I’m Tyler Perry’s Madea, so I see thangs others don’t, halleluyer! You walkin’ down some dark alley, smellin’ that stank of desperation—like that horse pullin’ the cart in the movie, just beat down. I’m like, “Lord, these folks out here hustlin’!” Makes me wanna holler, “Get yo’self together!” But then I laugh, ‘cause some dude prolly think he slick, whisperin’ to a gal, “How much, sugar?”—and she hit him with a price that’d make yo’ grandma faint! I’m tickled pink, I swear!

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So, I’m rushing down Linlithgow’s Main Street, dodging tourists and their cameras. Seriously, why do they take pics of everything? “Oh look, a stone wall!” Like, c’mon, it’s just a wall! Anyway, I finally get to the office, and my phone’s buzzing like mad. Stocks are all over the place. I mean, one minute they’re up, next minute they’re down. It’s like a bad relationship.

Scottish Water urged to act after suspected toxic pollution kills hundreds of fish in Linlithgow Loch