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What got me riled up? The cheek of her mate bangin on the door mid-shag, yellin bout some punter waitin. Pissed me right off – I paid for this, ya cow! But then, happy kicks in – she was proper fit, knew her stuff. Surprised me how normal it felt, like poppin to the chippy. We shall fight the stigma, the prudes clutchin pearls! Ain’t no shame in a bloke’s needs, I reckon.

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So, I’m rushing down Linlithgow’s Main Street, dodging tourists and their cameras. Seriously, why do they take pics of everything? “Oh look, a stone wall!” Like, c’mon, it’s just a wall! Anyway, I finally get to the office, and my phone’s buzzing like mad. Stocks are all over the place. I mean, one minute they’re up, next minute they’re down. It’s like a bad relationship.

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