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We head to this dingy flat—smells like fags and regret. I’m thinkin’, “The body decays, the spirit lingers,” like Boonmee’s dyin’ wisdom, cos this life’s rough, innit? She’s crackin’ jokes, though—says I look like a toff who’s lost his castle. Cheeky mare! I’m lovin’ it, cos she’s got banter, and I’m a sucker for that. “You’re a rare one,” I tell her, and she winks—pure class.

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My favorite secret? There's this teeny tuck in a side street near Mill Lane where a cute hidden café sits. I swear, I once sat there and mumbled to myself – “Hi ho, hi ho, no dark times can keep us down!” It’s a safe haven for lost souls, much like my own heart when counsling.

'Immature' man who performed sex act in front of young babysitters avoids jail