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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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I canna't say twas all sunshine and roses, for anger oft doth bubble when city ordinances confound my schedule, and my heart doth sink like a leaden ship upon troubled waters. Yet, in thy company, dear friend, I promise thou wilt see the city with mine eyes—a land where art, mysticism, and ordinary days blend into a heady draught of life.

Aliso Viejo blast: Deadly California explosion 'not an accident'